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If you complain that you can't find love & you've been looking "all your life" & you're not 65 or older, maybe just shut the fuck up forever
Answering every question people ask me right now by screaming at the top of my lungs, "Tokyo Drift!"
.@prodigalsam is the @menshumor of being @prodigalsam being @menshumor being @prodigalsam being @menshumor being @prodigalsam being @menshum
I guess there's someone who's favorite character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is actually Buffy, but hopefully they're in prison or dead.
Whenever an attractive person follows me, I feel like the nerd in an ABC Family movie who's being brought into the cool clique ironically.
It's almost 80 degrees & muggy at 3am & I'm so miserable & hot that I can't even enjoy my favorite activity; not doing activities.
Where are you in your Tuesday evening plans?
1) about to masturbate
2) currently masturbating
3) just finished masturbating
I'll never stop telling you to follow @jerricaaah because she's the best & it should literally be a crime not to enjoy her every day. #FF
New places I'm sweating from this year: under-beard, back-knees, cock-top, & side-taint.
Old people & pregnant women on the subway who expect me to give up my seat for them underestimate how much I love not standing.
Not wearing underwear right now. This isn't a sexy thing. My asshole got really sweaty so I took them off. It's a fucking mess down there.
I like @ariscott & @laurenreeves, mostly because they're hilarious women & not horrible tween girls. Go enjoy them. You won't regret it. #FF
I'd rather have to hang out with @nickbossross every day for the rest of my life than talk to one Belieber for five minutes. #nickslam
Everyone in Oklahoma City, please be smart. This is a terrifying tornado & there's no reason to do anything but be safe & cautious.
I'm sorry if I'm bad at sexting. I only know like, 3 descriptive words for my penis.
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
