My sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me...

It's not really masturbation if you have an imaginary friend with benefits....

My Mom told me today I've finally become someone she can like and respect....bet I can blow that fantasy with a peek at my Twitter page

If it doesn't rain soon my moat is going to be bone-dry with floating body parts I'll have to explain to the neighbors....again

Twitter....24 hour reunion of former class clowns.....

38 weeks of being unemployed in Hollywood might have me typecast as a loser...luckily, I've been on a sit-com called Twitter most of it.....

#FF is like being at a party with the new guy you're dating while not making eye contact with the other 20 you're still bangin...I'd imagine

I'm not talking to one of the voices in my head anymore....she knows why...

Could someone hold my nicotine gum while I finish this pack of smokes?

Broke a brand new paper shredder trying to erase parts of my past I don't want anyone to find....I had only covered a weekend in my twenties

I get cocky and think I know more than spellcheck...mostly, I'm proven wrong

Know what's better than pizza with a Dairy Queen and Miller Beer float after working in the yard?........me either....

Dear Favstar....I'm going to have to insist you tell the 12 years olds to stay out of our yard.....

In Kentucky you can use caffeine and diet pills as a murder defense but can't blame Colonel Sanders for assisted suicide....

Why is it always the people who call you and say they can't really talk the hardest ones to get off of the phone?

I'd still have to go up a few notches to reach blithering idiot status today...but I'm pretty damn close...

When you're in the 69 position.....how do you know if your the 6 or the 9?

3 out of 5 Americans have difficulty enunciating in their native language.....the other 2 can't spell enunciating....

"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."

With 4 episodes left of LOST, I am going to be totally pissed if it turns out Gilligan knew how to get off the island the whole time.....