Someone told me that I'm immature and need to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my treehouse anymore.

I don't trust joggers. They're always the first to find dead bodies. I'm no detective. Just sayin'.

Whoever said that nothing is impossible clearly never tried stapling jelly to a tree.

Well that's a lovely shade of cunt your wearing today.

Don't you hate it when you offer someone food and they say yes?

I'm stuck bang smack in the middle with two guys having a 'your mum' argument.

Closest I'll get to a fucking threesome this year.

"I hope you have pet insurance, cause I am about to destroy your pussy." Gets me, everytime. Every. Fucking. Time.

Everytime I lose a follower, I like to think its because they've died. But its probably because I'm a cunt.

If I had my way, I'd be drunk right now. Oh, and naked. Oh so naked.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

No, don't speak. I already hate you.

I've always been the girl who can't be trusted with cling film.

*sigh*

I would NEVER, under any circumstances sleep with my boyfriend's brother. Unless he was hot. And I had a boyfriend.

Fuck me if I'm wrong but, dinosaurs still exist, right?

Sarcasm; because beating the shit out of people is illegal.

I let people know I'm emotionally unavailable by being a complete and utter cunt.

I've watched enough crime series and movies to have complete confidence in my ability to make your death look like an accident.

I can stick half my foot in my mouth. If that's not sexy then I don't know what the fuck is.

I'm going to get a gold tooth. Then I'll own all you bitches.

I could totally get away with murder. Maybe I have. No, I haven't.

*Menacing laugh*

I totally have.
But you'll never know for certain.