The thing about women is that they love good listeners and they hate rapists.

I think when strip clubs aren't open they should put out a sign that says "Sorry we're clothed."

That sad moment when you realize it's wrong to keep having sex with someone because you don't love them anymore and also they're a horse

Can't wait for the day I post a picture of me banging a supermodel so everyone who mocked me growing up will know I learned to use Photoshop

I bet Moby Dick's friends made fun of him for all those times he swallowed seamen

I have such a weird sunburn I could hug a black person and we'd look like neapolitan ice cream

Nope, sorry kid. This isn't a bouncy castle. This is an inflatable building for grownups only. Yeah, it does look fun. Fuck off.

My friend was complaining about the service at Denny's. But I think that's what she gets for going to church at Denny's.

Eating an oyster feels like Poseidon blew his nose in your mouth

Let sleeping dogs lie. But don't take any bullshit from awake dogs. They know better.

So turns out gonzo journalism isn't just news about the muppet. My bad, guys.

The inventor of Connect 4 died today. He was crossing a busy intersection and forgot to watch out for the diagonal.

I'm trying to name my recipe for erotic flapjacks. I'm torn between pooncakes and pancocks.

I met this girl who's at LEAST a 9.5. Which is great because I have around six months to figure out what to get her for her tenth birthday

I like to pretend Rocky III is Rocky 111 and he's fighting space moths with his laser fists in the year 3145.

I thought I saw a pimp, but really it was a gay time-travelveling cowboy with a bum leg.

All my friends are getting careers and starting families and I still struggle with not eating paper.

I'm infiltrating a notorious gang of bros. I don't want them to know my real name so I'm using a dudeonym.

1. Write tweet
2. Trim tweet to 140 characters
3. Is tweet still funny?
4. Cry

If I ever got nipple rings I would absolutely keep a spare housekey on one.