I fidget al the time. The other cube-cows can sense there is unrest in the herd.

You haven't smoked enough unless you're sure you've smoked too much.

It's my day off. I want a dog that talks.

I will shop-lift expensive cheese and moisturizer until the day I die.

Let's all plan to do twitter on mushrooms at the same time one day.

Some of the poeple on twitter should be comedians and some of the comedians on twitter should just be people.

If they don't own any books don't have sex with them.

You can’t help where your mind goes. Free your ass, your mind will follow.

My ear buds are pushing out brutal Norwegian black metal. These cubicle divas don’t get me.

Your call-center sports-bra look is making me the opposite of horny.

What were the circumstances surrounding your birth? I genuinely want to know

When I fart at work I remove one of my ear buds to help facilitate the smelling process. I am a Special Olympics of one.

Weed and alcohol turned downtown Austin into my own private hipster obstacle coarse.

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink." Charles Bukowski

We get dressed up to go purchase the organic stoner food.

We should maybe kill a goat later if we have time.

I think I just took myself on a date.

I just wrote several fake male/male craigslist missed connections for dudes I saw at the gym.

Have any of the artists on your playlist murdered one of the other artists on your playlist? #blackmetal

I’m scared for Ron Paul’s life now.