I bet you didn't know girls can get boners? Yep, they get them right in their mouth.

if every kiss begins with "k." then i'm doin hella good w/ the ladies cuz that's all they ever text me

The best place and time to let out a ravaging air guitar solo is when everyone at church stares at the floor for 30 seconds.

If you ignore me, I will ignore you. If you don’t start the conversation, we won’t talk. If you don’t put in the effort, why should I?..

@cajunkoopa Best to go to the nearest budget igloo. They will have bear or moose rentals. Or if you upgrade to a polar bear

@ajizzle1983 then don't eat bacon, beef, chicken, bread or drink beer whiskey rye etc. all comes from us farm fucks. #idiotcitypeople

@raydevito: Snooki has a new lipstick called Snookilicious, which is more alluring than the original name ‘Cold Sore Concealer’

You're probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.

@thatupsdude amen.

@askplaystation I moved to the States. Can I move my psn account to an american account?

@hlty34 and never be creepy as fuck

@frankcurtisb nothin' like dead flowers

@chickenmclovin this is gold

@my_boy_joey this is genius

@manateejack of course!

@mikecanrant oh sheeet. #pimpin

To all my unfollowers.

I understand.

I still love you.

I’m not mad at you.

If people close to you start dying…

Totally coincidental.

@nurseratchet719 thank you

It's kinda funny how in 2010 and 2011 people were freaking out about 2012. Now it's 4 months from December and no one gives a fuck.

1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome.