You are the Crocs of Twitter RT @menshumor: Friends don't let friends wear Crocs.

I wish you were an Octopus so you couldn’t tweet RT @menshumor: On Mondays I wish I was an octopus, so I could bitch slap 8 people at once.

“I didn’t laugh” - Me reading your tweets RT @menshumor: "I missed my workout this morning." -Me, every morning.

“I’m not funny, but I always tweet.” #YourLife RT @menshumor: "I'm not hungry, but I can always eat." #MyLife

Sounds like you are an alcoholic RT @menshumor: I may be broke, but I'll always have enough money for beer.

Alcohol is a Depressant RT @menshumor: Life is a little bit better when whiskey is involved.

BIG NEWS!! @robdelaney will be in Columbus OH at @woodlandstavern on 4/3!! Get your tickets here http://t.co/8Vi9rDoM they will go fast!!

You have found your voice keep it up!! RT @menshumor: Exercise…ex…er…cise…..ex…ar…..size……eggs…are…sides….for bacon. Bacon.

“Did you think this was funny?” RT @menshumor: I see girls wearing too much makeup and think, “Did you voluntarily do that to your face?”

Calm Down RT @menshumor: Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.

There is nothing more repulsive than newlyweds making a joint Facebook account.

Sweet Burn Dog RT @menshumor: I’m really good at keeping secrets because five minutes later I forget what you told me because I don’t care.

I think I just threw up a little bit RT @menshumor: Good grammar is sexy.

I thought you were 15 RT @menshumor: I'm older than the internet.

Same is true for guys Bro RT @menshumor: Ladies, intelligence is attractive...girls who act dumb are just annoying.

It's prob best to wait at least a month or two before posting pictures of your baby. They look so weird fresh out of the gate.

The best part of being sick is that I can to take a bunch of NyQuil and not feel like I'm being irresponsible.

You are the tribal tattoo of twitter RT @menshumor: A tribal tattoo is a bruise from that time you got your ass kicked by the 90's.

That’s a photo of James Dean RT @menshumor: Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder...How the did I ever become this awesome.

I will now spend the next 30 min tweeting my weekly responses to @menshumor