Scantron has to be the lamest Decepticon. What kid wants a robot that changes into a sheet of paper?

I had a pregnant mom introduce me to her pregnant daughter. This is a reason I love the South.

I just saw someone's grandma ask where the Zune's were. Someone is going to find out how little their grandma loves them.

I don't think it matters what your beliefs are, but praying about your laptop choice is a little much. God doesn't care which Mac you get.

Do retired people forget that the rest of us have shit to do? It's like time has no meaning once you get that retirement watch.

Was told by @kariedwards that there is a "High Tech Corridor" of West Virginia. Apparently there's a guy here who has The AOL.

I saw someone using the pay phone while I was getting some gas. I didn't know there was a Twitter pay phone application.

Is this where we talk about the greatness of Gerald Ford? #tcot

I have a source at The View that says Blagojevich was a fill-in guest. @joeschmitt canceled after finding out he lost his Shorty Award.

So did that Oscar statue see his shadow to guarantee 6 more weeks of shitty movies like Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Madea Goes to Jail? #oscars

I saw someone who scratched the McCain part of the McCain-Palin bumper sticker off. That's like blaming the beach for the Valdez spill.

I can't believe it's MMIX. I'm still writing MMVIII on my checks.

Society has failed us when I pass three PT Cruisers in a row.

I tried paying attention to the white guy with a Jamaican accent, but I couldn't stop waiting for him to offer me a spliff and say "Mon."

After watching the We Are the World video, I realized that Billy Joel is the most generic rocker of the 80s. Sorry Kenny Loggins.

It was promised that Big Baby Jesus would arise yesterday. I still have yet to see or hear any news about Ol' Dirty Bastard.

After seeing commercials for Fast and Furious, I have decided to live my life by the quarter mile. One quarter pounder w/ cheese every mile.

Don't get pissed at me because Best Buy doesn't carry PC100 memory. Maybe you need to buy a computer that wasn't used on the Ark.

What do mean you are too busy to answer me? I'm surviving a bear attack over here. #oregontrail

Mrs. Assfire #pornclassics