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Words to live by: "If its in the butt, its safe to nut."
If a man cries in the forest, and no one is there to see him, is he still a fucking pussy?
This one time I played a game of "hide and go fuck youself", then my grandma came home. That was akward.
You know, I think the thing I hate most about seals is that they are never gonna survive unless they get a little crazy.
Bathroom at work smells like cocoa butter again, I will get to the bottom of this. I need to know who is buttfucking Jamaicans in there.
This bitch just showed up in a leopard print wedding dress & a white veil, so she is either down w/ beastiality or just a straight up whore.
I love waking up after a night of getting wasted & then checking to see if I made an ass of myself on the internet. U win this time internet
My idea of Russian Roulette is holding a swingers party & throwing one herpes infested prostitute in the mix.
Good luck gentlemen.
If I got a dollar for every hot chick that tried to get in my pants, Id still be broke, crying & masturbating with chicken grease all alone
Why is it so busy at Walmart? The first of the month isn't til Friday...
This morning I accidentally gave myself a "Dutch Oven". That shit sure didn't smell like a bakery... at all.
I wanted a job that involved tits in some way, turns out applying for a boob job online is something different than I thought.
Why is it when someone tells me they "go hard" at something, I automatically think about fucking?.... Oh that's right, I'm a guy.
I just starfucked some of you and you probably don't even know it.. yep.. Im in and out like OJ in a hotel room... oh wait.. I mean.. shit
If this fucking ginger baby gets any closer to me, he's gona try to rip my soul out thru my belly button w/ his dirty lil ginger eyes.
This was supposed to be the greatest tweet in the world, but I got stoned. Now all I can think of is tits and chicken wings.
Joining twitter is like starting a new school cuz no one knows u. At least here I didn't get shoved in a locker & Lincoln Logs put up my ass
Saw a girl w/ license plate "3x a lady". Which leads me to believe she either has 3 chins or 3 pussies. Either way I'm down.. let's bang.
I knew it was going to be a bad day when the letters in my Alpha-bits cereal this morning spelled "Fuck you, homo" with the comma included
Im the type of guy who farts in an empty elevator right before I get off to leave a fresh baker's dozen of air biscuits for the next guy.
Things and stuff are my favorites. Twitter is where I shoot my verbal load all over the internet, one day at a time.