Words to live by: "If its in the butt, its safe to nut."

If a man cries in the forest, and no one is there to see him, is he still a fucking pussy?

This one time I played a game of "hide and go fuck youself", then my grandma came home. That was akward.

You know, I think the thing I hate most about seals is that they are never gonna survive unless they get a little crazy.

Bathroom at work smells like cocoa butter again, I will get to the bottom of this. I need to know who is buttfucking Jamaicans in there.

This bitch just showed up in a leopard print wedding dress & a white veil, so she is either down w/ beastiality or just a straight up whore.

I love waking up after a night of getting wasted & then checking to see if I made an ass of myself on the internet. U win this time internet

My idea of Russian Roulette is holding a swingers party & throwing one herpes infested prostitute in the mix.

Good luck gentlemen.

If I got a dollar for every hot chick that tried to get in my pants, Id still be broke, crying & masturbating with chicken grease all alone

Why is it so busy at Walmart? The first of the month isn't til Friday...

This morning I accidentally gave myself a "Dutch Oven". That shit sure didn't smell like a bakery... at all.

I wanted a job that involved tits in some way, turns out applying for a boob job online is something different than I thought.

Why is it when someone tells me they "go hard" at something, I automatically think about fucking?.... Oh that's right, I'm a guy.

I just starfucked some of you and you probably don't even know it.. yep.. Im in and out like OJ in a hotel room... oh wait.. I mean.. shit

If this fucking ginger baby gets any closer to me, he's gona try to rip my soul out thru my belly button w/ his dirty lil ginger eyes.

This was supposed to be the greatest tweet in the world, but I got stoned. Now all I can think of is tits and chicken wings.

Joining twitter is like starting a new school cuz no one knows u. At least here I didn't get shoved in a locker & Lincoln Logs put up my ass

Saw a girl w/ license plate "3x a lady". Which leads me to believe she either has 3 chins or 3 pussies. Either way I'm down.. let's bang.

I knew it was going to be a bad day when the letters in my Alpha-bits cereal this morning spelled "Fuck you, homo" with the comma included

Im the type of guy who farts in an empty elevator right before I get off to leave a fresh baker's dozen of air biscuits for the next guy.