I screamed at two guys this morning who rang my doorbell, who then ran off. Not sure if they were Jehovah Witnesses or from Team Followback.

A really good friend told me his idea for a graphic novel. So I killed him.

Yeah, I'm shallow, I only want to be with you because you are kind, loving, funny, gorgeous, sensuous, sexy & like a wild animal in heat.

I've committed to not drunk tweet tonight about Adele finding a boyfriend, despite that I love her with my whole heart. :(

My brother told me once that mom likes me better. Told him that wasn't true, as she doesn't like him at all. (My mom laughed at that!)

A true gentleman never mentions anal sex, unless the naughty girl insists.

When I'm feeling sentimental I get out my albums & look at the photos of my ex-wives; I just wish they hadn't cut me out of the photos.

I think it is adorable when you ladies say you are "feeling stabby" in your tweets. However, it does make my scars itch.

I'd rather read tweets by the people I follow involving their intestinal updates, rather than tweets of caucuses, primaries, or the election

Am I kidding nobody when I rotate between four different bars so that the bartenders don't think I'm a drunk? Related: Why do I care?

My ratio of @ replies goes up when I am drunk out of my mind, but they're still funny, even when I'm sober. (Well, maybe not to you.)

I don't care my attorney told me to be quiet: I am starting to think that Team Follow Back is a cult!

My therapist told me I need to stop imagining the subtweets on Twitter are about me. (She didn't need to also say, "get over yourself!")

Well, I found out what kegels are, and I'm a fan!

It's difficult to tell you in 140 characters how beautiful, funny, and sexy you are, but I'll try.

My boss knows I won't get any work done until my Valium prescription runs out. My plan for tomorrow is laughing babies videos on YouTube

My Twitter Daily Affirmation: Every day, in every way, I'm tweeting better and better. (Doggone it, people like me!)

BTW, how do you get a tattoo of an avi removed from your neck? Asking for a friend.

I have Twitter integrity in that I only star worthwhile tweets; unless you're smoking hot in your avi & then I star everything you tweet.

Just out of curiousity, how many of you have been told not to belch between tests? Please describe your community service work.