If I have a daughter, I think if she even says "Twitter" I'm going to wash her mouth out with soap.

How many stars do I need to get before I get a power up?

Is there a special day on Twitter where the pretty girls have to change their profile pics to the middle age men they actually are? :)

So, is this some kind of college creative writing exercise gone out of control?

I think I've figured this Twitter out. It's people fr varied backgrounds & cultures,reaching out fr around the world while on their toilets

I think Twitter is going to make me so desensitized to cuss words that we might need to invent some new ones..

Closing in on 100 degrees here in DC today. I think Hell has decided its just easier to come to the politicians

Wife said having sex w/ me while I'm on Ambien is like having sex with a zombie. No real joke here, I just think it's cool I had zombie sex.

'Siri, is that a dick?' 'Why yes Eddie. Specifically, a very large & impressive one for a human.' 'Thank you Siri' 'No, thank YOU Eddie'

If you're bored, you're not paying attention..

Attn: men sending penis photos: knock it off! By flooding the market w dong photos your devaluing the product, causing penis deflation.

Do we get extra points for using Twitter on a Friday or Saturday night? :)

What's all this having sex and then eating a sandwich business? Is there something I should know?

If you continue to tweet w someone who won't follow you back, is that considered an abusive relationship in the TwitterScape? :)

When listening 2 your spouse do u find you're mainly sizing up what they're saying for potential tweets? #PossibleTwitterAddiction

I can see it now. Any time I try to scold my future kids for being lazy, they pull up a readout showing my 24/7 Twitter use. Little bastards

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious. - advice to new Twitter users

Absolutely unreal photo from orbit of lunar eclipse WOW http://t.co/lgrnWHoz

I think my Twitter friends could kick my Facebook friends asses.. #thoughts

Think I'm discovering the more snarky ppl I follow; someone tweets something uplifting/cute I want to incinerate it/them with a flamethrower