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Blowjob Tip: Give more of them.
Didn't have access to twitter earlier so I started following some random person around telling them about my sex life & showing them my arse
You people who have locked Twitter accounts, do you keep your monopoly money in a safe too?
The difference between being complimented or offended by male attention, is how attractive they are.
When my kid is old enough to ask about how he was made I'll tell him the truth.
"Not enough lube for a butt fuck"
Guys if your girl won't try anal you may just need a better lube.
Start gently with a couple of pairs of shoes and progess to a handbag.
We haven't let kids stop us from doing anything we used to do. We still do the same stuff, it's just ruined.
Get your Benedict Cumberbatch name by taking your favourite order of monks, adding a limitation & bread roll. Mine's
Xanex: Worrier Princess.
Tomorrow is the date that sound engineers have been waiting for all century.
When a friend confessed she enjoyed anal, I delightedly told her I too loved being fucked up the arse. Turns out she likes making lists.
Three stages of a relationship: 1)pretend to like their music. 2)pretend to like their friends. 3)pretend to like them.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.
Her:What are you doing? Me: I'm on Twitter. Her: Isn't that where people tell you what they're having for lunch? Me:Yup. It's just like that
It's crazy that 'skinny' holds such a high value amongst women when men really don't enjoy it.
Confidence is the sexiest attribute by far.
I hope with all the Diana/Kate comparisons they don't miss out that William has been inside both of them.
Girlfriend = morning sex.
Wife = mourning sex
There are two types of people:
1. Those who feel the urge to jump, when standing at the edge of a cliff.
If you say "I'm not racist, but racist jokes are funny", you are not only a racist but a fucking idiot as well.