God had an interesting sense of humor the day he decided that guys will need to pee in the morning & have morning wood at the same time

Hope you don't fuck like you park or you're never getting it in.

Ever have those days when people suck so much you wished you lived in a cave in the woods. With wifi though so I could still get on twitter

You know you're having a real "I don't give a fuck" day when you don't even care if you masturbate or not.

Crazy is the new sane.

Manscaping: you can trim it to look like a firetruck with your penis as the hose but you better be able to live up to it.

You never have to worry about committing twittercide if you go un-noticed. So I've got that going for me.

Capt. Crunch, the trix rabbit & the lucky charms leprechaun were all found dead today. Police are launching a man hunt for the cereal killer

Clitoris Awareness Day.....Make it stand up and dance

My super power is not fainting when a woman actually says yes to sex.

First aid...let's see....it's direct pressure & a bottle of tequila to stop the bleeding right?

Amazing what a good fuck will do for your attitude.

I put my fingers in I take my fingers out. I put my fingers in & make your body shake all about.

Adult hokey pokey

You know somebody's collecting all this crap for our trials right?

Camel toe.......The porn version of Camelot.

I know, I know, sorry.

I'm sure women wonder if their ex's new woman has a bigger clit than them.

Ever think that earth is the insane asylum for the universe

We regret to inform you that this day has been canceled due to lack of interest. Please start drinking heavily now.

Ran out of fireworks so we've gone to sticks of dynamite. That's still legal right?

Vaginas don't scare me. Whether I'm going to get into one again & some of their owners are a different story.