This vodka diet is fucking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

Fuck her like her ex is watching.

Tip of the day: if its hard for you to take a joke, don't walk around looking like one.

If you bitches synched up your menstrual cycles I'm pretty sure you could achieve world domination in like 45 minutes.

I always take chicks out for hotdogs and icecream on a first date...it tells me everything I need to know about the potential relationship.

I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by showing the lady I rear ended my pistol.

Twitter is one big popularity contest, its childish and pathetic as fuck. (Cause I'm not winning)

Steve jobs died today...along with like 14 kids with terminal diseases.

Pardon me if I don't mourn an old millionaire for 3 hours....fuck.

Your bio never said anything about retweeting horoscopes 278 times a day.

Next time I have sex I'm screaming out something romantic like "ride it like my step mom used to!" Or "I'm planting triplets inside you!"

Sometimes you gotta forget about the romantic shit, push her up against the wall and take that pussy like you own it.

ive had this erection for an hour so im going to the hospital, cause in three hours when they finally see me it may be a serious problem.

If a chick tells you to pull her hair and treat her like a slut, remember...there's a time limit on on that shit. Don't do it at the bank.

I wonder how many rabbits the SPCA will let me adopt before they realize they are fucking delicious.

Pussy is like the only thing that doesn't taste better when you're camping.

I bet Medusa had some legendary pubes.

If money is the root of all evil, vagina is the hole it was planted in.

Me cleaning the bathroom consists of aiming my piss at the shit that stuck to the toilet. Also, have a great dinner.

I'm not an asshole, I'm just incapable of pretending everyone isn't a fucking idiot.

The greatest trick the devil ever played on man was putting tits and an opinion on the same creature.