Selling your body isn’t nearly as degrading as selling your soul; I’ll always have more respect for a prostitute than I do for a Kardashian.

From where I see it, Mitt and Ann Romney are absolutely the perfect couple to lead America into 1957.

Humanity, you're embarrassing the animals.

Don't push religion on your kids. I was brought up in a religious household, and look how that turned out.

White smoke, black smoke, it's funny, when they get down Here, they all burn the same color.

Twitter stalking someone is like being a peeping tom at a mental institution: you don't know which side of the glass the crazies are on.

​Sure, I've tempted you, I've lied to you. But have I ever bored the shit out of you on a Sunday morning?

If I'm so evil, how come no one ever kills in My name?

Don't ever tell anyone what we do here.

Seriously, Cheney, even with My help, we can't keep this up much longer; Darth Vader has more original parts than you do.

​Of course you're not just another pretty face. You're also a collection of crippling emotional problems, delusional behavior and bad taste.

What I love about humans is that there is absolutely no tragedy so heinous, that it can't be made substantively worse by your media.

Sure, texting kills a lot of teens every year, but isn't that the point?

Forgiveness is for the lazy. Holding a grudge takes dedication.

Life is short. Do as much damage as you can.

Thou shalt not kill, unless someone disagrees with you in some trivial way about how you worship God. Then, fuck their shit up good.

If Skrillex ever ends up in Hell, I'll torture him by making him listen to Skrillex.

When you commit an evil act in my name, it makes sense. When you do it in God's name, that's where you humans really excel at creepiness.

Remember, marijuana is a gateway drug...to snacks.

You're a good person. But don't worry; we can fix that.