Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.

I think it's bullshit that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to me.

I'm finishing my 9th beer at Chuck E. Cheese's....and this band is fucking awesome!!!

Drink apple juice...OJ will kill you.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted!

If I'm ever on life support, unplug me...then plug me back in again, see if that works!!!

"Give it to me!!!" she said, "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me right now!!!" to which I replied, “Fuck you, it's my umbrella!!!”

The hardest thing about starting a new relationship is learning how to fart silently again.

Death to those humans who are upbeat before 10:00AM!!!

The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

I just witnessed a Vespa crash into a Prius....there was glitter everywhere!!!

Twitter feels a lot like Group Therapy....only everyone is talking at the same time and no one really wants to be cured.

Does Doritos make a cereal???

Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they didn't kill your ass the first time.

Dyslexics better do it.

When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you're nowhere near a dildo factory.

Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,,.but what about something for the white guys?

6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.

Can someone change the goddamn kitty litter? When I want to go around smelling like shit, I'll come back in my next life as the dog.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.