There is nothing on earth that makes me as productive as the last minute.

When I was a kid I would flush pizza down the toilet...it pissed off my dad but I'm sure it made the Ninja Turtles very happy

I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.

Who invented hugs? The first hug must of been awkward "what are you doing? Why are you holding me" "sssh just trust me".

The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won't go away."

When ever I feel sad I remember that there’s a number I can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

Such a beautiful evening in @capetown no wonder we've just been voted #1 city in the world

Alcohol goes in, honesty comes out

Why do they always lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Repeat the same mistake often enough you get to start calling it a tradition.

You know its cold when the gangsters pull up their pants.

You would think pedestrians would learn NOT to stand next to giant puddles

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

Oops I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

If only there was a rehab for stupid

The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...

Someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my tree house!!!

If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.

Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"

Just met a Jewish pig farmer....I've now officially seen everything