Umm, I thinks this chick is wearing an "airplane" skirt, because if she bends over, everyone is going to see the cockpit.

In HS I told my mom I got a tattoo of a bunny on my ass. When she noted my bare cheek I told her the bunny must have went in the hole. #true

Is it wrong to adjust your boobs in public? I think I'm doing a good deed, because who wants to see lopsided boobs?!

I swear my siblings should have been squirted on my mothers thigh.

Just realized my hair is as appealing as a call girls beaver today. Yes, I'm being sarcastic, there is no way I can compete against a beaver

I hand out stars like head cheerleaders give out blow jobs... Yeah, that many!

I'm the type of girl your mom warns you about.

I'm the type of girl your dad always wanted instead of your mom.

"You and your sisters are nothing but deep throat whores"... Shit MY dad said.

If you fuck up a home pregnancy test by not peeing on a stick the correct way, I hope you're not pregnant. Otherwise, that child is doomed.

Things that have 2 exist but I have never actually seen... a baby midget, a happily married couple & a non-trashy person living in a trailer

My banana eating skills bring all the boys to their knees.

Parents, if your kid knows all about Hannah Montana, but doesn't have a fucking clue about Sesame Street, I'd say you failed.

I declare today as National Take Off Your Bra & Fling it at a Motherfucker Day.

Bitches can thank me later.

Me: U have no couth

Her: I do 2 have a couth

Me: No U don't

Her: YES I DO! I'll pull my pants down 2 prove it!

Me: Thats a c ...

Starring tweets is the equivalent of a virtual blowjob to the tweeter.

I would so cock punch boys/men in skinny jeans, but that would require them having a cock first.

CUNT PUNCH IT IS!

I don't think I could work in a nursing home, I can't imagine walking in on a gumjob.

Rather then say queef anymore, I'm gonna go for a more respectable phrase like coochie bomb.

Eating my Chinese the American way, with a fork. Kung Pow that motherfuckers!

I know my ABC's...

Acetaminophen,
Bacon,
Cock,

Next time just fucking get them for me!