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"Oh man, I'm having a blast! My period ROCKS! Let's rock climb & have laughter in restaurants! I'm so myself right now!"
"Whoa! I did NOT expect that noise!!"
"What's it gonna be today, hon? Shy civil war re-enactor or sexy ghost?"
-Jack White's stylist
Who gave girls in fedoras permission?
I want every product from every commercial where dubstep is playing.
Reasons I should not have had 1 night stand with mermaid:
1.Apartment now smells like bait shop
2.Scales all over sheets
3.She was a bitch
Kim Jong Un is basically Francis from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.
"Let's go ahead and build some non-functioning ears onto it, bro."
-BatMan to his mask designer
I bet the scary girl who climbs out of the television in "The Ring" climbs out of Mitt Romney's mouth when he's sleeping.
Are we never gonna discuss Fat Albert's friend who wore a sweater on his whole face?
2 bone-chilling facts of this world:
1. serial killers are real
2. LOTS of people love country songs about "gettin' by the best you can"
Invitations to LinkedIn feel like invitations to have turd sandwiches in a gas station bathroom with Hitler.
Siri, is it weird that it's easier for me to decide which tween boy from Stand By Me I am than which character I am from Sex and the City?
Haha vampires you never get to check your hair
"Dudes, let's name our company something that highlights everything we don't want people to think about our dicks."
-Creators Of Microsoft
It's surprisingly fun to call your mom bro.
Aww man, why aren't there Rosetta Stone classes for how to talk eagle?
When someone says "I'm a Carrie!" or "I'm a Samantha!", I say "I'm a Bout To Throat Punch You!"
Pepsi tastes like an idiot.
Actress, Improviser, Writer. Just trying to look like the tiger on my shirt, bros. @groundlings Main Co. Member