No matter how much I drink, you stay stupid.

Star = Dry hump
RT = BJ
Follow = Together Forever
# FF mention = Honeymooning
Unfollow = Divorce
Block = Restraining Order

Please BJ

Some employers seem pretty strict about using social media at the work place.

Hold on, guy is still telling me rules.
Worst interview ever.

So, if I get the job at Walmart...
do I pull my own teeth out,
or does it happen during orientation?

My Boss: "Count on working weekends, we're understaffed and you're the only one qualified to run it all."

I hear: Its ok to come in drunk.

Guess what's fun! Talking about finances with your wife while unemployed. Oh, and stabbing a fork into your balls. I like that too.

My wife called, asked me to pick up some things.

Milk, bread, pregnancy test, toilet paper.

One of these things is not like the others.

Fellas. Do you and your significant other have seperate cars? Which is yours? Check the glove compartment.

Tampons? Not your car anymore.

"Beat meat until tender. Keep it moist for at least an hour, soaking in it's own juices."

This cookbook is turning me on.

Do you really think I care about rhetorical questions?

"I don't FB, but I'm on Twitter."
"Oh, so you're attention deficient and needy."
"...Is that ok? Do you still like me? Can I get a star?"

New header on my résumé.

Formerly a night-shift wage-slave. Currently unemployed. Likely drunk. Save my marriage. Please hire me.

Britney
Money
Teeth Whitening
Work From Home
Team Jake
Sexy Singles
Justin Bieber

Sorry, trying to boost my follower count.

Now, we wait.

"It says on your résumé you write."
"Yep."
"Anything published?"
"Yep."
"May I see?"
"Here's my timeline. All there."
"..."
"@eggsoup. Yep."

Made a List. Added myself. Party of 1.

My preferred answer to the question
"Isn't it a bit early to start drinking?"
is "It seems a bit late to be sober."

I need a box of Samoa's and a glass of wine.

But I would settle for a Samoan bringing me a box of wine.

I just bought a whole PACKAGE of gold stars at the Dollar Store.
AND I'M STICKING 'EM WHEREVER I WANT!
#ballin'

I'm feeling very Murphy today...
not the Eddie, but the Law...

Never bring a knife to a Twitter fight.
Because there's no one to stab except yourself.