Ugh! Someone put vodka in a water bottle and put it back in the fridge and I drank it! Ack! Fuck! I did it again! *Cough* And again...

To me, a friend with benefits is someone who could teach me how to make McGriddles.

If Obama kills another terrorist this weekend, I'm picking up some mexicans from Home Depot and carving his face into a mountain side.

I don't fuck with the help. Because I am the the help.

Somewhere in the world, a track athlete is winning a gold medal for his/her country. Just like you guys are winning Twitter stars for yours.

I don't have health insurance at my new job yet. My buddy is a vet and he says if my ankle gets any worse I'm going to have to be put down.

I gained 233 followers thanks to my extraordinary wit, humor, and communication skills.

What? You have 50,000 followers?It's not a contest

Walk of shame? More like Walk of Hell Yeah!

The best part about a rodeo is it hides your beer farts.

I rely on energy drinks for my daily supply of vitamins and minerals.

Let me guess, drill for oil everywhere right? RT @sarahpalinusa: Happy Earth Day, America! Here's my suggestion for how to celebrate it.

Persied Meteor shower tonight. So when you tip that beer back, look up in the sky for a couple seconds.

If opening my Corona with the butt end of a butterfly knife makes me a Mexican, then so be it.

Inspirational quote of the day: "Get a job and quit sucking up my tax paying dollars, leech." ~Ghandi

I question a lot of choices I've made in life. Randomly waking up at 3 a.m. to eat ice cream and check twitter isn't one of them.

Don't star me, you'll just encourage me more.

Dang girl are you cilantro? Because you're kinda gross right now.

Fellas, if she is still talking crap years later its because she is still hurt. Let her be. Set a positive example and refrain from fighting

*Panhandling for stars and RT's*

Walked into a Blockbuster but it was empty except for these two homeless dudes. They still had Best of the Best though so it's all good