Why does Oscar live in a trash can, while Bert & Ernie get a nice apartment? #occupysesamestreet

Just invented Strip Twitter. The rules are inconsistent and solely determined by me. You're all playing. There is no opt out.

Yeah, ladies. When I star something, it ain't no finger pushing that mouse button.

I wish someone would steal my identity so their life would be ruined, too.

I scored with a REALLY hot girl last night.

OK, I just talked with her.


Shut up, it wasn't on Twitter so it's more than you got.

Know how everyone is stupid except you? Same here.

Nephew caught masturbating by his mom, who freaked & told everyone. Will that scar him more than my posting this to the world? Still funny.

I want to thank all of you for reminding me exactly why I don't socialize with people. You sick twisted fucks.

I was unfollowed by all the Christians that started following me for making a Jewish joke. Didn't Jesus have a few thoughts on hypocrites?

You probably can't tell, but I'm typing in my whiniest voice.

Of all the Greek philosophers, Testicles gets the least credit.

What I hate about civilization is the part where it requires other people.