I would like for my tombstone to read: "I told you guys I didnt feel good".

My kid asked if we have a thesaurus & I told her to use her brain. I mean it'd be pretty fucking obvious if we had a dinosaur wouldn't it?

Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this fucking house.

Damn, i got hit with the "we need to talk" from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said "HELP ME!". It was not.

I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

If you're really serious about winning a pillow fight, you should put a shitload of D batteries in your pillowcase.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

I've been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don't think it's funny.

The worst part about being homeless would have to be the challenge of keeping your phone charged.

Hey, if I can't fit through your doorway with my sombrero on, I'm not fucking coming in bro.

The sign said "Watch for Falling Rocks" so I'm like "Why not? I've got an hour or two to kill". Never. Saw. Shit.

None of my tweets have 140 characters. Most of the time they're just about me.

Before twitter I didn't even realize the Internet reached all the way to Canada. Welcome you guys. Yo hablo espanol.

I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fucking name or not.

Hey, it's cool. I don't get some of my tweets either.

I'm starting to think my life coach is trying to throw the fucking game :(

Yeah, I use my Bowflex all the time. It is the centerpiece of of the most kick ass blanket fort ever built that my wife makes me sleep in.

I'm sitting in my driveway on a metal trash can drinking beer hoping to be struck by lightning and become some kind of alcoholic super hero.