If my GF wakes up screaming from a nightmare, I like to pull the sheet over my face and whisper

"He's in the doorway..."

It's hard to know what to do with my hands during sex, unless there's a mirror in the room because then it's just constant finger guns.

Women with dreadlocks are my best chance to ever get married due to their obvious long-term commitment to awful decisions.

That awkward moment when the person you locked in the trunk pops his head through the backseat.

I tripped over some stupid plant so I gave it the finger and walked in a circle around it because I wasn't sure where its stupid eyes were.

I bet in the Civil War days it was WAY hard to take a photo of your boner since the cameras took so long. The war part also probably sucked.

I wear baggy shirts so that when they ask me "paper or plastic?" I just pull up the bottom of my shirt and say "shirt bucket."

When i stare another man straight in the eyes and neither of us back down I get curious if he just got a boner too. But it's gay to check.

Someone said something funny and I poked them and said "Favorite." Them: "Don't you mean 'Like' like from Facebook?" Me: "Unfavorite"

I can stand in front of a mirror for approximately 20 seconds before I start dancing.

5 seconds if I'm naked.

I do my sexiest dance moves whenever I find one last soda hiding in the fridge.

If you see me open my eyes real wide during a boring conversation it's because I'm thinking about what it'd feel like if my eyes exploded.

If the answer isn't Miss Scarlet, in the bedroom, with the rope, then I don't want to play.

I like penis-shaped fruit a lot. It's not a gay thing, I just really like penises.

Still haven't found a good Hallmark card to let someone know how much I enjoyed masturbating to their Facebook pictures.

If you talk over Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight" I'll air drum solo all over your face.

Probably the worst superpower ever is the ability to see air.

I don't get this titty fucking thing... Do I cut a hole in her boob???

Asking for my GF who keeps screaming for me to put down the knife.

My GF loves that I sleep like a baby but gets all awkward when I start crying like one.

I haven't zeroed in on a single person yet, but I'm pretty sure one of those girls on Toddlers & Tiaras is the antichrist.