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I named my penis "Master P" because it makes 'em say "Uuhhhhh!"
I'm so sorry.
"I was occupying Wall Street WAY before it was so popular." - Homeless NYC Hipster
Using a mouse left handed is harder than it looks.
Unless, of course, you are left handed.
In which case, you should be shot.
One nice thing about rap songs is that, while "reppin' their 'hood," they tell us exactly which neighborhoods to avoid while traveling.
Keep all that other shit, I just want the 5 golden rings and the 9 ladies dancing
All I really want is to look as good as Leslie Nielsen did when he was 25-74
I use the little saw in my pocket knife to make people lose their trust in the structural integrity of park benches.
People say that sex with Carmen Elektra would be like "throwing a hotdog down a hallway."
Just threw a hotdog down a hallway.
Been WAY too long since we've heard a good Elian Gonzalez joke. I think I'll let him take a break from leaf blowing my yard to tell me one.
Could switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on your car insurance?
Do I hate those fucking commercials?
I'm gonna get a "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" tattoo so I can be "The Guy With 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' Tattoo."
If I'm spending $68 on a condom, there's no way I'm only using it once.
It's not that I don't like kids, it's that I DESPISE the inconvenience of using my brakes on something that my car can clearly run over.
Will Bieber finally turn 18 so I don't have to worry about Chris Hanson getting all pissy when I try to find pics of her vag on the net?
Marvin is the least gay Gaye
The good old days, when you could throw someone in the swimming pool without having to worry about replacing their $400 smartphone.
I really have to start getting some new ex-girlfriends
My new shampoo smells like candy but TASTES EXACTLY LIKE SHAMPOO!?!
I asked her who her favorite band was and she replied with either "ICP" or "I see pee." I ran away because, either way, right?
I'm the hero that San Francisco needs, but not the one that it deserves.