The 2 things I need in life are someone to touch me where I pee, and to stop referring to it like that.

Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but Hell also isn't prone to crying irrationally either. I've made my choice.

ugh.. I swear my washing machine waits until I'm trying to sleep to sound like two rhinos fucking.

You guys what if the zombie apocalypse starts because someone takes antibiotic medication with probiotic yogurt!?

Okay, okay. SOME diggity is fine, I guess.

Oppressing gays because of who they sleep with is as retarded as oppressing women for owning a vagina. Unrelated I REALLY want a sandwich.

Just a second sweetie, Daddy needs his glaucoma medication because you inherited mommy's ability to drive him crazy.

Gateway 502 is why we can't have nice things.

If a monk is someone who's dedicated to a spiritual path, and being kind of a fuck-up is considered a spiritual path, then yes. I'm a monk.

Life is a lemon, and I want my fucking Pantera sweater back.

I really need to invest in a fleshlight. This whole "my hand" thing just isn't working out.

Obama will be remembered not as the first black President, but as the first black man to ever have to prove he actually killed somebody.

Looks like it's gonna be another Mexican Standoff between my morals, my bowels, and horrible yet tasty burrito. I Expect a long night ahead.

Yes, ok, I get it. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse and You Oughtta Know is about Dave Coulier. Can we all just shut the fuck up now?

So I'm eating the grilled cheese and bacon sandwich that I made this morning for lunch, and it tastes a lot like my broken childhood..

I'm not always hardcore, but when I am, I'm railing coke next to two tarantula tanks wearing a python surrounded by exotic edged weapons.

Going out to get some fresh air* be back later. *Smoke a hash-blunt, black out and wake up naked in the housewares aisle of a wal-mart.

I remember when bleeding out the ass was evidence of a good night. Now it's just evidence of colon cancer.

I used to think I was weird, and possibly mildly retarded. Then I found Twitter. Now I'm my own standard for what I think 'normal' is.

My spirit animal is this joke format.