Morning beer is the best kind of beer. Don't worry, I'm a professional.

Admit it, part of you wants to die in the zombie apocalypse.

Lollipops and rainbows and unicorns and hand grenades.

That itch on your back that you can't quite reach is an analogy for your life.

I'm sure to find validation on the Internet.

Hey, isn't today I'm Gonna Punch You In the Face Because I'm Right And You're Wrong Day?

Drinking beer is a hobby, really. The alcoholism is just a side effect.

Alright family, line up for cigar burns.

Call in sick and tell them, you invented this new thing called a number three.

First impressions are the most important. That's why I don't shave and make animal noises at random.

Life is like foreskin, it just gets in the way when things need to get done.

Conversation topic? Smegma.

And this one time at band camp, everybody had a wonderful time and walked away from the experience enlightened.

People wonder why I play so many video games. Real life has amazing graphics, but the gameplay sucks.

As long as you're standing behind me in this lineup, here's a present I concocted from a breakfast burrito and beer.

Apparently I smell like a booze hound, according to my girlfriend who is leaving for work... In the morning...

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithHoes Hoe Fiction, Jurassic Hoe, Sherlock Hoe, Hoe vs. Predator, Kick-Hoes, Hoe Tub Time Machine.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to get fucking wasted.

If drinking beer at seven o'clock on a Monday morning is wrong, I don't want to be right.

The only thing I learned in college was how to appear sober and attentive after drinking 3 pitchers of beer.