If I was a zookeeper, I wouldn't even bother putting anything in the chameleon exhibit.

Riddle me this: How do people ever reach the decision to buy a magic 8 ball?

Dear architect who put a fan on this low ceiling: I am going to strangle you in your sleep.

...

Right after I get my new prosthetic hands.

Kids these days don't understand the value of a star.

Idea: To boost sales at a kid's lemonade stand, have an adult open a competing stand right next to it.

If you're surprised Sarah Palin could write a 400 page memoir, let me reassure you it's in size 16 font and there's a lot of pictures.

My cousin came out as gay today, but I'm pretty sure he just forgot to log out of his Facebook account.

Before Facebook, I never realised so many people had birthdays.

Guys, if I am fired for starring your tweets all day, I think it's only fair you let me stay at your places until I'm on my feet again.

Would it be more apt to describe our use of twitter as a circlejerk or a pyramid scheme that involves a lot of jerking?

I will listen to our American tweeps complain about poor spelling when they renounce American English.

It's a matter of honour with a 'u.'

Break-up sex. Sometimes so good it makes you want to get back together.

A mate told me about 'turducken' today. It's now on my list of things to eat (above blue-rare buffalo steak and below Scarlett Johansson).

My new office is really small, but the boss has poked some holes in the lid so I can breath.

When your only tool is a meme, every problem looks like a number of other tweets earlier that day.

If I had a dollar for every time I had passionate, sweaty, hair-pulling, back-scratching sex, I would have three dollars.

I would never be so crude as to watch sports during sex! I'm more of an international news man.

You know, the only reason emos are so mopey is because everyone hates them. It's a vicious cycle.

If I got to run Hell for a day, I would throw toilet paper all over the place and make everyone roll it back up.

You never realise just how large airliners are until you see them displayed on the in-flight map.