I met @billyidol tonight and somehow resisted telling him how many times I masturbated to the "Rock the Cradle of Love" video as a teen

@sarahthyre You are literally the perfect woman

Jamie Lee Curtis's Top 3 Possessions: (1.) Vagina (2.) Yogurt (3.) Penis

Hey 1970s Jimmy Connors, nice haircut but sorry the Beatles aren't hiring

"There's no 'I' in 'el teamo'" - Spanish saying

Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan are wearing Daft Punk helmets #ThroughTheLookingGlass

Fried chicken? Is this the 1940s? Dude update your joke references. Like, Flamin' Hot Cheetos or something.

LOL I have like 10 times more followers than our new mayor  Suck it @ericgarcetti #blessed

Listening to hella Wagnerian leitmotifs this morning

They're interested in your family's lives. RT @kourtneykardash: What is wrong with people???!!!

If current trends continue, the next death of a member of the Doors will occur in 43 years, in 2056, w/ the 4th/final member passing in 2099

The weird thing about the new Daft Punk album is your parents did coke and had sex while listening to it in '79

#FF RT @dongattack: "Come, Sail Away" is probably the best Styx song about ejaculating before a cruise.

BREAKING: NFL announces San Francisco to host Super Bowl LGBT

Superbowl L. Jackson

If your last name is Jovi, don't name your son 'Jon Bon'

BREAKING: NFL announces Super Bowl L to be played on new Xbox

@ryanphillippe Even more amazing when you learn a bidet was spraying @zachbraff's anus with an Oregon microbrew throughout the interview

If I was in charge of editing 'Pulp Fiction' for broadcast TV, the wallet would read "BAD MOMMY BLOGGER"

Here's a ridiculous thing @travon and I wrote awhile back. All I can say is: it made US laugh...  http://elibraden.tumblr.com/post/50993175062 …