The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

It's kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

WE'RE HERE. WE'RE QUEER. YOU'RE THE MAILMAN. I'M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I'LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

Whenever I see a girl with a hot boob, neat buttocks, cut hair, and a face with ALL THE MOVES I always wish I knew how to describe women.

There's no crying in baseball! But there is in cryball and you're gonna make it big, kid! Are you smiling? There's no smiling in cryball!

Showing my tattoo of my grandma to my other grandma. It's not going well.

I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn't even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.

Many people are surprised to hear I'm married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Neat if the Harbaugh brothers secretly switch sides and this was all an elaborate ruse to get their parents to fall back in love.

In a fight with your spouse? Never go to bed angry. Stay awake forever. Wander the Earth as a Sleepless Monster eating children's dreams.

I acted like I was hyperventilating and had to breathe into a paper bag but really my pet frog was in there and I was sneaking smooches.

Please, "Dad" was my father's name. Call me "Dad Jr. 2.0 The Reckoning: Heeeeee's Back: The Squeakquel: Part Twice: Hanging Loose in Miami."

Hey hey! Working hard or hardly working or wardly horking or hordly walkly or wakly hakly or warking dorkly?? ANSWER ME I AM YOUR BOSS

Tiny little rows of exposed BONE visible from a hole in your HEAD that you have to polish EVERY SINGLE DAY. No. Go to hell, teeth.

The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away. Just snatches it. Uses a real racist Asian accent also. Like "too srow grasshoppah." Not cool.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

Hey super muscular old guys: I'm not going to fight you. No one is. Let it go, proud lions.

Think smoking's "COOL"? What if I do it in a leather jacket? "COOL" now? On a Harley? Still "COOL"? While I kiss this model? Is that "COOL"?

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.