HEY EVERYBODY LET US MAKE A UNIVERSAL NETFLIX ACCOUNT. SO SIMPLE.

I CAN'T believe that our toilet is big enough to house an 82 yr. old porpoise. Thanks modern technology.

Tip for the ladies: carry a purse the size of your body (in case of split-second nap decisions.)

And no. I am not a Mama's boy OR a Papa's boy. I am a modern myself's boy.

If only boiled peanuts grew on the many hairs that grew on the backs of cats. If only...

"Faith is the courage to live in this new self understanding." -Rankin Wilbourne

"Son remember, my house is really small, but the opossums living in the other room are harmless." -@aaronbelz

Is there a good pill to take when you start seeing glowing pickles participating in a roller derby?

I like occasionally glancing at my wrist and making the "time for me to get watch" joke when waiting.

You can kill two birds with one stone by draining the blood of one and drowning the other in it.

I just saw a picture of you and it reminded me of you.

Autotrophic bacteria are the ultimate green machine, actually.

If I were a cheeseburger, I would definitely want somebody to make me a mini-bicycle.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of YOUR FACE, MR OWL?

Get this baloney out of here!

It would be ironic to go bowling with your pottery buddies.

@aaronbelz That second one I didn't say.

Gals love the brows.

Life. (limited time only)

In a world where humans eat raw iceberg meat, what is the meaning of life?