There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

My soy milkshake brings all the hipsters to the used record store.

You down with A.D.D.? Yeah you kn

Just saw a dolphin with a tattoo of a college girl struggling for individuality and freedom from her middle class parents

Probably the yoga pose I'm best at is sobbing in the bathtub

The yoga pose I'm best at is Downward Facing Spiral

The Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss scene except it's me, alone, eating a Hot Pocket over my sink

Playing the Canadian version of Angry Birds. It's called: Sorry-for-the Misunderstanding Birds.

Guys, you won't believe this but I just saw a centaur with the head of a horse!

Buying a home? Make sure to ask yourself: Is it worth it? Can you work it? Then put your thang down flip it and reverse it.

It's such a beautiful day today that I'm wondering why the hell I'm wasting it on twitter and not Google Earth

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don't have kids.

It's either uterus or uterthem

I like my coffee how I like my men. Not cheating on me with that bitch Amy.

I am Hummer, hear me douche

Thkydiving, thwim with dolphins, vithit Parith Franth - Bucket lisp

Anne Hathaway always looks like she's unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is.

Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar

BREAKING: Seahorse meat found in Fish McBites

My nickname is Gilette because I'm the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you.