Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Co-Exist stickers would work if we put MORE of them on cars AND buildings AND broke into people's homes and taped them over their mouths
"Well well well... Well well ... well... well... well???" - Evil villain with short term memory loss
-Saxophone player's Foursquare
Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
I'm fluent in French but only if you want to talk about bathrooms, pens or potatoes
"No YOU hang up first." - NSA
"Be the brains you want to eat in the world." - Mahatma Zombie
MISSED CONNECTION: I was your girlfriend and you were porking Amy THE WHOLE TIME BRAD
I use the word ironic the wrong way deliberately all the time. How's that for ironic? Or is that ironic? Welp either way. I MEANT TO
*finishes plate of fettucine alfredo*
*My Spanx make a Jim Halpert-face to the camera*
If I could meet anyone alive or dead, I'd rather be dead
Every time someone uses the word "foodie", an asshole gets his wings.
Probably the yoga pose I'm best at is sobbing in the bathtub
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan's problems have me really concerned for Dora the Explorer
Sadly, many sandwich artists come from New York to Los Angeles and discover it's more about the sandwich business
Twitter is the online Island of Misfit Toys
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don't have kids.
Kanye West will never get lost because he always leaves a trail of dropped mics wherever he goes
There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god
Shouldn't the Jerk Store really be online by now?