Co-Exist stickers would work if we put MORE of them on cars AND buildings AND broke into people's homes and taped them over their mouths

"Well well well... Well well ... well... well... well???" - Evil villain with short term memory loss

Fire escape
Fire escape
Fire escape
Steel grate
Fire escape
-Saxophone player's Foursquare

Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

I'm fluent in French but only if you want to talk about bathrooms, pens or potatoes

"No YOU hang up first." - NSA

"Be the brains you want to eat in the world." - Mahatma Zombie

MISSED CONNECTION: I was your girlfriend and you were porking Amy THE WHOLE TIME BRAD

I use the word ironic the wrong way deliberately all the time. How's that for ironic? Or is that ironic? Welp either way. I MEANT TO

*finishes plate of fettucine alfredo*
*My Spanx make a Jim Halpert-face to the camera*

If I could meet anyone alive or dead, I'd rather be dead

Every time someone uses the word "foodie", an asshole gets his wings.

Probably the yoga pose I'm best at is sobbing in the bathtub

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan's problems have me really concerned for Dora the Explorer

Sadly, many sandwich artists come from New York to Los Angeles and discover it's more about the sandwich business

Twitter is the online Island of Misfit Toys

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don't have kids.

Kanye West will never get lost because he always leaves a trail of dropped mics wherever he goes

There's no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god

Shouldn't the Jerk Store really be online by now?