How well do you remember Blink-182 lyrics? NOT AS WELL AS YOU THINK.  http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/how-well-do-you-know-blink-182-lyrics …

Elton John's other song "Leave me alone, enormous dancer" wasn't as popular.

Me: "Can you move please? You're blocking my view."

Sassy Old Woman: "I am The View"

*turns around to reveal she is Barbara Walters"

I speculated about what the new Mad Men poster could mean for Season 6.  http://www.buzzfeed.com/louispeitzman/mad-men-theories-based-on-the-season-6-poster …

If you catch the bouquet at a funeral, you'll be the next to die.

What if 2pac spit on a camera and said "Picture me rollin" and then tripped on a root and rolled down a steep hill? What then, hip hop?

Not saying I'm dark but when I was a kid I thought Humpty Dumpty jumped.

"I mug people for a living"

*puts on shades, turns to a super successful decretive mug stand, sells 2 million mugs in a second*

Baristas don't like it when you use their tip jar as a "take a dollar-leave a dollar" type thing.

"YOU AIN'T SHIT WITHOUT ME! YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE NOTHING!" - syrup to pancakes.

I miss u limewire

Rich people singing about poor people in front of rich people #Oscar2013

My Oscar Predictions:
•3 Hours Of Vaguely Similar Jokes From Half Of Twitter
•3 Hours Of Complaining About Oscar Jokes From The Other Half

I have not been on the passenger side of my best friend's ride in ages.

Please follow @theellenshow until she fires me

#FF

Black history month Fact: Jackie Robinson was the first to hit a homerun and yell "get on my level bitch," as he moonwalked to home plate.

Careful kids. I lost a limb doing the Hokey-Pokey. I put my right foot in and the song stopped. I never did get it back.

I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.

"Mind if I cut in?" you classily mumble to a stranger who's eating a pizza.

"Nope." - Pope