Control freak seeks personal assistant. You wouldn't have to do anything, because you'd probably fuck it up.

Dear Suzy, seashells are free. Signed, everyone at the seashore.

I'm looking for a boyfriend... Slash designated driver.

Even autocorrect has no idea where I'm going with this.

I'm one bad date away from buying a cat for every year I've been alive, and calling it a day.

I'm 32 which is about 26 in man years.

At this point, we're staying together for the cats.

I want to build a man cave in my basement. And by cave I mean trap.

Got P90X two weeks ago and already I've lost $150.

It's been a long day... I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy. Standing in front of a girl. In front of another guy. Wait, I'm actually in line. Sorry.

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.

Thankfully, I'm too much of a control freak to ever let my OCD get out of hand.

The best hangover cure is water, Gatorade, carbs, coffee, kill yourself.

I feel like I should write for a ridiculous TV show that doesn't exist.

Why is it the moment you fall out of love with someone is the moment they decide they want me? I mean, you.

Actions speak louder than staring in your window all night with these binoculars.

You keep on using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means.

If I were a superhero, my superpower would be parallel parking.

I'm so money, and I don't even know it.