I give my house-guests the pillow I use to prop my ass up during sex.

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Ew!
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Lick picture.
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If my vagina could talk it'd probably have a lisp.

I'm not mad, I just don't walk around smiling like a dipshit all day.

Who's great idea was it to make lipstick in the exact same shape as a dog boner??!!

Sitting on my ass, watching the neighbor sit on her ass. What a lazy bitch!

If you pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars, you're a fucking idiot.

I'm pretending that this coffee cup is full of your soul and I am sipping it. Slowly.

My pickup line is an enthusiastic pelvic thrust.

If anyone ever Bitch Slaps me they'd better be ready to make out right after.

To all my stalkers out theeeere. Wave your restraining orders in the aaiiiiiir.

If sliding my finger into your buttcrack is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

I'm gonna drain your battery so hard.

A thesaurus is a word dinosaur, right?

Just found out not everyone sticks their hand down their pants and jiggles their butt cheeks up and down when they get bored.

I hate it when I trip someone on purpose and have to make it look like an accident.

Love is waking up with his face buried in your ass.

I woke up and STILL don't have any super powers. Fuck this shit. I'm going back to bed.

Twitter is a bib for my mental drool.

I'm going to need everyone's real name, address, measurements and phone number in case Twitter really ever goes all the way down.
Thanks.