For the love of God, why wasn't I born into a wealthy, eccentric family?

I'm now officially certain that I spend too much time on Twitter. Not only did I dream about some of you freaks, but I woke up smiling.

The fat free Pringles aren't soaking up the alcohol as I anticipated.

He snores in my ear & I don't feel compelled to suffocate him. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

The bird that takes dictation on the Flintstones moves more expediently than my brand new laptop. Fuck.

Totally stoked that I am no longer relegated to reading the ingredients of my shampoo as I poop. Technology & Twitter rock.

17 feels if she's not asleep, neither should I be. She didn't wash down Prozac w/Moscato or get banged like a drum last night...I assume.

My plan for this evening? Get myself inebriated & master asexual reproduction.

Texted myself a shopping list. Checked when phone went off a second later. Forgot I texted myself. If you have secrets, they're safe w/me.

Not sure if the cats outside my apartment are fighting or being violated. I question because of the sounds emanating from me last night.

There should be a statute of limitations on hangovers.

17's resume will reflect many skills, with her most adept skill being superior cockblocker.

One thing I can do spectacularly well is fuck up something good. I excel at that.

Had to explain to 17 why I don't vomit while intoxicated. I possess 20 years of experience. She's jealous.

I thoroughly enjoy revisiting the previous evening's tweets in order to have a written record of how inebriated I was.

Very blessed and thankful my soldier is home even if there are those that begrudge me that sliver of happiness.

Wasn't aware that being a mistress could be so emotionally debilitating. Just notating that for a friend.

Tried waking 17 up to accompany me to Mommy's. I was advised to shut the fuck up. She says the sweetest things to me.

Contemplating enjoying the sun. I have wine. Therefore, what more do I need? http://t.co/3er06Sy2

I should probably practice personal hygiene prior to going to Mommy's just in case they recognize the sex scent after all these years.