thanks ladies but I don't need 140 character advice on love from a bunch of fat whores who can't find a man.

If someone blocks you, that means you won right?

Walmart on Black Friday is a great place to witness the American Elephant stampeding in it's natural habitat.

Is it me or is it twice as satisfying when a funny person RT's your shit?

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could snort coke?

Speaking Ebonics when you're not Black is a great way to let both black and white people know that you're a fool and not to be trusted.

I just found out that elephants can paint. Great another whole species that makes me feel like shit about my artistic ability.

Don't be so fuckin proud of yourself it's just a fuckin grilled cheese sandwich.

Fuck this, Favstar isn't even down. You guys are just assholes.

I don't understand Goth, back in my day those kids just killed themselves like they were supposed to.

I hate how all you smug ass Canadians go around acting like you're just regular people like the rest of us.

Serious note: how the fuck are alcohol and cigarettes legal and weed is illegal. wtf is wrong with this world.

For women getting a short hair cut in your 40's is a great way to come out of the closet and get a new job teaching elementary school gym.

Lord of the rings was a gay story about a bunch of Star Trek convention losers wondering around the woods.

No one gives a fuck about what song your listening to. So ummmm, thanks for sharing and shit.

How the fuck did I come to follow some of you. I thought this was Twitter not the fucking suicide hotline.

Everyone on FB lies to make their life seem cooler then it is but on twitter everyone lies to seem more pathetic.

I'm not above starring my own tweets if you all don't understand my genius.

Hipsters have ostrich for Thanksgiving.

Life isn't fair. You pick your nose a little on the bus to school, and all of a sudden you're booger boy for the rest of your life.