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I respectfully declined his offer of a free strip show on the street, but was impressed by his proactive attitude to market research
"I first came here with my father, the king." - Some name dropper on Radio 4.
So many hateful assholes are in need of a hug today. Someone get on that ‘cause eww, I’m not doing it.
Nothing unites our country more than mutual hatred for our own national football team
Can you beat the stupid out of someone? Because that's the defense I'll be using in court
Had he still been alive, Lionel Ritchie would be 178 years old today.
Superman just isn't credible, because not one of Clark Kent's workmates ever says "You look a bit like Superman." And the flying.
You had me at hello. You lost me at have you been mis-sold PPI?
Remember the saying "Your whole life has been leading up to this moment" a few times a day for a good laugh.
Lying to mother #291: I have to go to work at 6pm. (She mentioned carpet swatches, I panicked. Now I have to leave the house. Urgh.)
That awkward moment when your chair makes a noise like a fart, so you try to do it again to show you didn't fart but then accidentally fart.
Zumba is great. Good, fun exercise is positive. But commercials with shiny happy people zumbaing with fixed crackhead smiles are terrifying.
Can somebody recommend me a phone-fixy person in Guildford who's not mega-dodgy? My charging port needs replacing (not a euphemism)
Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.