I respectfully declined his offer of a free strip show on the street, but was impressed by his proactive attitude to market research

"I first came here with my father, the king." - Some name dropper on Radio 4.

@profbriancox @jonculshaw How do you explain the Pizza delivery boy then?

@dorianlynskey For an adult man to have hair is a gift, not a right. To consistently waste it on a vintage Rod Stewart pastiche is an insult

Powerful image - Police and firefighters in Spain clashing over austerity measures. We've broken society.  http://i.imgur.com/Sz3fDSW.jpg 

So many hateful assholes are in need of a hug today. Someone get on that ‘cause eww, I’m not doing it.

Hey Cardiff. The bright and brilliant @rhysmorgan is looking for a job. If you know of any going, drop him a line. Please RT. Thanks! x

Exactly what Twitter needed. pic.twitter.com/WwES1kb9AU

Imagine a peaceful scene. A swan on a river. Don't anger the swan, as it will break your arm. #guardiancoffee

Nothing unites our country more than mutual hatred for our own national football team

Can you beat the stupid out of someone? Because that's the defense I'll be using in court

Had he still been alive, Lionel Ritchie would be 178 years old today.

Superman just isn't credible, because not one of Clark Kent's workmates ever says "You look a bit like Superman." And the flying.

You had me at hello. You lost me at have you been mis-sold PPI?

Remember the saying "Your whole life has been leading up to this moment" a few times a day for a good laugh.

Lying to mother #291: I have to go to work at 6pm. (She mentioned carpet swatches, I panicked. Now I have to leave the house. Urgh.)

That awkward moment when your chair makes a noise like a fart, so you try to do it again to show you didn't fart but then accidentally fart.

Zumba is great. Good, fun exercise is positive. But commercials with shiny happy people zumbaing with fixed crackhead smiles are terrifying.

Can somebody recommend me a phone-fixy person in Guildford who's not mega-dodgy? My charging port needs replacing (not a euphemism)

Just farted on a wood chair in public but thankfully no one heard it because I have my earbuds in.