I killed a spider in my shower today. We were cool until she looked at me naked and wrote "Some pig" on her web.

Before I had twitter I would just write 140 characters of my thoughts on tiny slips of paper and throw them out the window.

This isn't the 1700's. You can't just meet on twitter and fall in love.

I'm in an on-again off-again relationship with pants.

OH MY GOD BABY OCTOPI. I NEED THEM I NEED THEM I NEED THEM. Their owner calls them "Inklets"!!! Going to die. pic.twitter.com/jtufJfhr3U

It's like playing the lottery. You could win, but also someone could die.

Be they short or volumes thick
And if you don't read any books
You can suck my Moby Dick.

Every tv show needs a cute redhead. #fact

Wolverine style. pic.twitter.com/sOdfNmn5

Johann Sebastian Bach and Antonio Vivaldi to star in Baroqueback Mountain

I'm such an optimist that I could drown myself in a half-full bathtub.

If you baptize a raptor would it be called "raptizing"?

Eating healthy and exercising will drastically reduce the population of boobtown.

I made a frame for my master's degree out of macaroni and glitter to highlight my super grownup achievement.

Fun fact: I don't like sitting near pregnant women on trains cos I'm scared it'll pop out and go all facehugger on me.

Im sorry, but is this bathroom tranny-accessible?

I finally went to Home Depot and bought a dishwasher for my kitchen. Turns out he was a brain surgeon back in Cambodia.

Viagra: The quicker dicker-upper.

"watching a DJ perform is like watching someone surf the Internet" - @eladarling

Full-frontal nerdity.