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is it illegal to fake your own depth
a pie eating contest wherein contestants only eat one (it's judged on form & technique)
i do most of my classes online because i don't have enough gum for everyone
How To Lose 240 Hours In 10 Days
if someone's gonna break up with me, i prefer they do it like a bandaid (leave me at a public pool)
"ya know, like a corn maze" -ikea store designer
i always get teary eyed when im chopping onions bc my dad died chopping onions & he was an onion & why did you have to bring it up anyways
a good cure for road rage is picturing the other drivers as ducks then you're like, awww well they're actually doing pretty good considering
my interview for the dishwasher position was going well until the pics of my sink full of peanut butter knives fell out of my briefcase
since i can't be everywhere at once just a quick open gesundheit to all my peeps who sneezed today love you guys
heart like a haunted mansion you inherit if you stay the night
Until I see the movie, I'd be more comfortable calling him Magical Michael
"She has daddy issues" -guys with daddy issues
Bad week for homophobes & racists. At least they have that movie about the bigot teddy bear coming out
girl are you criterion collection because you've got all the special features & you're a limited edition
if anybody's interested i'm carpooling to clown college & have 63 spots left
in restaurants, "can i plug my phone in" is the new "can we push these tables together"
i have a serious 'tude... gratitude
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