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How To Lose 240 Hours In 10 Days
i always get teary eyed when im chopping onions bc my dad died chopping onions & he was an onion & why did you have to bring it up anyways
my interview for the dishwasher position was going well until the pics of my sink full of peanut butter knives fell out of my briefcase
if anybody's interested i'm carpooling to clown college & have 63 spots left
If you love DNA tests so much, why don't you Maury it?
They say that vertical stripes and dark clothing is slimming, but you probably shouldn't be eating clothes, and I love you.
ORDER IN THE FOOD COURT
Call me a cynic, but I think Hallmark is just a made-up company meant to sell cards.
SHOW ME FISH TACOS - Family Feud Truck
don't bring a knife to a gun fight unless you have knives for everyone
even if neil livestrong used performance enhancing freeze dried ice cream to bike to the first moon i forgive him bc he sang sweet caroline
Live Free Or Sigh Hard
if a paranormal hunting show ever found anything it'd be called the news
my new band's a cross between Better Than Ezra & Less Than Jake we're called Roughly The Same As Dennis
loading a Pez dispenser makes me realize how terrible of a soldier i'd be also i probably shouldn't be bringing one to war
overheard while Christmas shopping at the mall: "hey stop eavesdropping on our conversation and mind your own business"
bottle washes up on shore with message inside that says "new bottle who is this"
a good prank to play on a friend is to wait until they fall asleep then play a really good prank on them