EmpireBiscuitz

@EmpireBiscuitz

EmpireBiscuits

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In 1978 my parents performed an act with their genitals that led to five arrests, a public inquiry and decades of therapy. Oh, and me.
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@EmpireBiscuitz’s (EmpireBiscuits) best tweets
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EmpireBiscuitz
George michael's already wrote a song about his skinhead cell mate. It'll be his new single called Hairless Fister
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
I have work to do, yet I have chosen to sit in my pjs and shoot people on the PS3, I'm one crispy sock away from being a teenage boy.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
Morning, instead of an advent calendar I will be trying to open doors to houses on my street. Number 1 - Mrs McDuffs house



It's locked.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
Off to church, I hope they appreciate the pinata I made of Stephen Hawking. It's filled with mini dinosaurs & David Icke signed photos.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
Has anyone seen my ovaries?! I put them down now can't find them anywhere?!
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
@BertSwattermain Pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel as a hat. Barman asks why. Pirate replies 'Theres a Bounty on my head' #altff
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
Don't start work til midday, I feel like a student. may burn a wheelie bin, talk like the queen & call daddy to see if the audi's fixed yet
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
The boy opposite me on the train just picked the gunk you get in your eye (facial eye) He then ate it.

Ooohh he's in his nose now.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
I just put a smilie face and three kisses on a text to my boss. I hold twitter responsible. Naughty twitter, Xmas party should be 'fun' now
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
I should get out of bed and do something worthwhile. Think I'll learn today Jeremy Kyle script and act it out for the local old folks home.
@EmpireBiscuitz
EmpireBiscuitz
to the men of twitter who get ignored on boobie wednesday, @CuntyChopalops & myself are championing 'Make a Stand for the Scrotum'
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
I'm very happy again today, 2 days in a row..this is both abnormal yet pleasant.

Like a third tit.
@EmpireBiscuitz
EmpireBiscuitz
To mark this holy day I shall be watching Jurassic Park while trying to turn Vimto into Dry Sherry. That's how Jesus would have wanted it.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
Oo before I go, read this if you want a smile

http://j.mp/aVWZQH
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
forgot I couldn't give blood as I've been tattoed in the last year :(

There was me staying away from injecting drugs & anal for nothing!
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
Touch it gently
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in
Make sure it's wet
Rub it up & down
Yeah
That's how you wash a cup
@EmpireBiscuitz
EmpireBiscuitz
as you're all on tweeting about xfactor I'll repost this pic, You need more wrongness in your lives http://twitpic.com/2wgy1l
@EmpireBiscuitz
EmpireBiscuitz
I mistook the popemobile for an ice-van yesterday, it wasn't until I saw the 'I don't mind that child' sticker that I knew I was wrong.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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EmpireBiscuitz
In other news the albino on my train is wearing all blue. She looks like a cotton bud. A cool cotton bud from the future.
@EmpireBiscuitz
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