My account isn't underfollowed, it's exclusive.

No, I won't take you to Funkytown. It takes hours to get there, the parking sucks, and once we're there all you do is talk about it. Nope.

In case any of you start to feel smug about your successes, remember The Wiggles on tour sell out every venue. Always.

Show me your wits.

It isn't what you have, who you are, where you are, or what you're doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It's what you think about it.

I won't be greedy, but I think I should be able to show my current teacher ID at any liquor store for a 20% discount.

Trained my dog, Amadeus, to bring me my socks. Odd trick. But whenever someone's over I get to say, "sock me, Amadeus." (A just4me tweet)

I have to giggle whenever my phone is charged to 69%.

I don't know much about anything, but I know you deserve unconditional love, and loving yourself and your own remarkable beauty is a start.

Talk w me intelligently about your interests, and I will be interested. Speak w passion, from the heart, and my heart will hear you.

To all of you living with pain each day, I wish you relief, peace, and rest. Life is good even when it hurts.

Goodness, life is interesting; wonderful, fun, exciting, and just fucked up enough to keep you guessing.

If no one has changed his Twitter handle yet to Weird Al Shankabitch, then the whole Twitter mission statement we drafted is pointless!

This little dog just ran up to me and toungued me every time I tried to say something. That's a brilliant move. Totally stealing it.

Hi, Choosy Moms. My friends call me Jif.

So this auto flush toilet started in with an extra long flush before I sat down, like "bring it". I think I brought a good game... Yup.

I think a big 64 count box of Crayolas placed on your desk at home, opened, is the best air freshener. I call it "young".

Beautiful friends, enjoy the moments. They are all we get.

How long until some stand up comic just stands on stage w a phone, reading tweets? Some audience members wouldn't notice.

Can anyone show me in the Twitter settings how to adjust the time suck feature?