Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I wish I had some of these jokes I've been tweeting lately back when people liked me.
Whoever told you to calm your tits is a fucking moron.
Tits, carry on.
I'm putting all my wishes on having birthday boobies in my face tonight.
"Boys will be boys" - assholes who are raising assholes
Thank god for sympathy favs.
Friend: What's Twitter?
Me: Imagine getting drunk with your buddies but with better jokes
F: Sounds fun
M *buries body*
I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would've told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn't want to get mugged.
Isn't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.
I need an arch nemesis.
I miss Alf. So fucking sexy.
Before I die I'd like to know how a porno ends but not today.
*wipes sticky hand across forehead*
Stalking you? Ha! Haha!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
*straight faced* No, I'm hunting you.
I like that they're making catheters thinner and easier to insert but what are they doing about the taste?
The nice thing about Twitter is that the women are the ones that come out looking like perverts.
I've said it before, this is suppose to be fun. This is some people's only safe place in life. Don't ruin that with your ignorance.
Legal question: Can I sue a car company for a commercial that looks like a really neat movie that's not real and I'm sad now?
I wonder if my insurance covers death by toaster startlings?
Ah, Sunday. You're not quite Monday but you're not quite Saturday either. I'd fuck Sunday but not without a condom.
✨World Champion Spelling Beeer✨ Tweeter @BoyCalledAnn once tweeted, 'This just in : @Eric_Bader can't see your boobs.'