Insulting me gets you nowhere. Plus, it makes you look fat.

Porn has ruined men's expectations of sexual encounters. "What do you mean you won't suck my dick? You are a librarian!"

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Can't do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep then you're fucked.

Let's get you out of that Grimace costume and see what we've got to work with.

Lost a couple followers overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said.

I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would've told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn't want to get mugged.

Is there a Hallmark card that says 'please don't play with my butthole during sex because the one time was ok but now I don't want it'?

Twitter is basically a never ending episode of 'So You Think You're A Comedian'.

I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just really passionate about recycling.

Starring nipple tweets again.

Yeah @justinbieber, I'm sure if Ann Frank hadn't been hiding from Nazis she would've just loved Beauty And A Beat.
What a fucking idiot.

Best. Poop. Ever.

Oh! It's time for The Voice.

*changes channel to Chopped on Food Network*

*pulls down pants*

*applies lotion*

Fuck yeah

I won't be satisfied until people taste like bacon.

I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat. Poor pussy poor pussy cat.

*sobs*
*rubs catnip all over buttcrack*

Kitty!!

Hey. Wanna come and play Twitter with me?

*slaps sticks together*

*slaps sticks together harder*
*shakes head*

I knew this slapstick comedy shit wouldn't work on Twitter.

Did you ever notice that the really depressed people are the ones that are always covered in cat hair?

Spent all day licking the stuff I got from Goodwill and now I feel like the stuff is really mine.

Finally learned how to make my ass clap so fuck all you guys.