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Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I just killed a squirrel with my bare hands. Or at least I was driving the car with my bare hands. Bare hand, I was texting with the other.
Everytime I lose a couple of pounds, I like to reward myself by gaining it all back.
At the movies. Was just offered some pie. I dont know who this guy is or how he snuck in an entire goddamn pie, but he's my new best friend.
If anyone needs a girlfriend, I have low self-esteem and even lower standards. Any takers?
Kenny can also be a girls name, take Kenny G for instance.
Someone just asked me if I wanted to play a round of golf. No thank you. I'm already white, I don't need to prove it.
I find it interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
I just assume everyone in Kansas spends their free time reenacting The Wizard of Oz.
An 80 year old man just told me i have "nice baby-making hips". I need to start carrying a rape whistle with me at all times.
I'm not so much looking for Mr. Right as I am Mr. Doesn'tRealizeI'mCrazyUntilAFTERWe'reMarried.
I'm sexy, or at least that's what Grandpa would always tell me during our tickle fights and OH MY GOD...
Just made African American Gingerbread Men. (I burnt them)
At a family reunion. Creepy 4th cousin just made me kiss him on the cheek. Excuse me while I go wash my mouth out with a revolver.
So if I'm single for long periods of time, do I have to get a cat? Or does it just kind of happen on it's own?
Reasons Why I'm Single (probably):
•I still sleep on a twin-sized bed.
•I frequently set objects on fire while cooking.
In a car with my family and my iPod just died, along with my will to live.
Seriously considering killing off my 3 best friend's husbands so we can all live together and reenact full episodes of The Golden Girls.
And then God pondered, "What could I do to screw over Midwesterners even more?...Let there be humidity."