Best part about giving birth at 4am is that it would only be 2 hours after you left the bar.

I hide the toilet paper so people can have a shitty time.

Jesus can't be president, he was 33 and not born in the United States.

Mid flight I'm going to yell out "KEVIN!!"

A Wikipedia article says the winged spider went extinct in 1867 for being "scary as fuck man".

Sometimes I dig a hole in my backyard and pretend to be a carrot.

My New Years resolution is to start smoking.

Dr Pepper is the agnostic drunk of choice, no one knows what the flavor is.

I wanna legally change my name to Eŕic 3000.

I want to start hard boiling eggs and then return them to the store.

So I thought Woman in Black was the sequel to Men in Black.... #womaninblack

I wanna be a prison wife.

All prisons are like Shawshank right?

Remember wherever you are, when you are looking at the moon, I'm looking at the same moon in which the US government never set foot on.

I find the Chicago Blackhawks logo offensive and racist.

"Was it really that big of a deal" - Mitt Romney on the Holocaust

50 Shades of unprotected sex.

*Christmas morning* To:Eric From:Satan , ohhh my dad must be dyslexic. Oh a sheep lung and a dead bird, thanks Santa.

I have one speed, one gear, GO! #Winning

"One, Two, type two diabetes hahahahah oh that's not funny....." - The Count