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I'm kinda the Rosa Parks of white guys who misuse that phrase.
"How can I support myself after I graduate" -20 year old. "Have my rich Dad" -Romney #debates
If you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere. Except for in the woods. You’ll probably die in the woods.
Less Penn State, more state pen.
"There has to be a fun way of making kids more selfish." -The inventor of Musical Chairs
I wish grown-up cereal had prizes at the bottom. Like aspirin or new socks.
A paperclip is just a staple that can't commit.
Saying "don't hate the player, hate the game" is like saying "don't hate the guy who stabbed you, hate that he had a chance to stab you".
Mitt Romney has a son named Taggart. Sarah Palin has Bristol, Willow, and Piper. There’s Newt... Are Republicans being named by hobbits?
Nobody's perfect. Aspire to be nobody.
I love playing charades. But ever since "Dick Van Dyke" my girlfriend's parents wont talk to me.
I have to give you props. -Carrot Top's writer
Did you know that Ringo Starr is 10 years younger than the rest of The Beatles? Just kidding, there's no reason that he's still alive.
The Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI for calling them a gang. Can't white people dressed as black people dressed as clowns get a break?
Romney wins all the coin tosses. He's like the money whisperer. #debate
I wonder how many maneuvers Heimlich had to work through to find a way to legally dry-hump strangers.
The Insane Clown Posse looks like Kiss had a baby with Guy Fieri.
The best things in life are free. The worst are 99 cents.
I'd eat my vegetables, but then I'd just live longer and have to eat more vegetables.
I've contributed to The New Yorker, VH1, Comedy Central's Indecision 2012, etc. Also, check out my standup in NYC or my book Grimmer Tales (Penguin Books).