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I'm kinda the Rosa Parks of white guys who misuse that phrase.
"How can I support myself after I graduate" -20 year old. "Have my rich Dad" -Romney #debates
If you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere. Except for in the woods. You’ll probably die in the woods.
Less Penn State, more state pen.
"There has to be a fun way of making kids more selfish." -The inventor of Musical Chairs
Saying "don't hate the player, hate the game" is like saying "don't hate the guy who stabbed you, hate that he had a chance to stab you".
Waffle fries sound like a fat kid met a genie and combined his two favorite things.
I wish grown-up cereal had prizes at the bottom. Like aspirin or new socks.
A paperclip is just a staple that can't commit.
Mitt Romney has a son named Taggart. Sarah Palin has Bristol, Willow, and Piper. There’s Newt... Are Republicans being named by hobbits?
Nobody's perfect. Aspire to be nobody.
I love playing charades. But ever since "Dick Van Dyke" my girlfriend's parents wont talk to me.
For a lady mantis "Eat Pray Love" is all one action.
I have to give you props. -Carrot Top's writer
Did you know that Ringo Starr is 10 years younger than the rest of The Beatles? Just kidding, there's no reason that he's still alive.
The Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI for calling them a gang. Can't white people dressed as black people dressed as clowns get a break?
Romney wins all the coin tosses. He's like the money whisperer. #debate
Comedian/contributor to The New Yorker, VH1, Comedy Central's Indecision 2012, etc. Grimmer Tales (Penguin Books). http://favstar.fm/users/Erik_Bergstrom