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I love when I ask a girl if she's ready for another drink and she stares at her boyfriend until he answers for her
Ginger mustaches freak me out. Also jelly beans.
Got in the shower with sunglasses on today. But I know where my car is so I've got that going for me.
Trying not to vomit after every time I walk past this patchouli stinking hippy at my bar. That shit is inexcusable.
And then I stare at her thinking "ANSWER ME YOURSELF YOU STUPID CO-DEPENDENT CUNT!"
I may have just washed my hands with lotion. I need constant supervision.
An open letter to all of Georgetown- you have 3 weeks to prepare, we are coming. Act accordingly.
If someone went to all the trouble of steeling my identity I would feel really bad for them. Like, sorry your credit score is now 7...
God! Why are so many of my tweets about anal sex?!
"and then Mikey rode my black ass like secretariat" #sundayfunday
Work was so slow tonight that I talked the same drunk asshole into doing a handstand 4 different times.
Is it a rule that you have to be a morbidly obese chick to order a sex on the beach?
Why yes, taco bell lady, a fuckload is TOTALLY a valid unit of measurement.