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I love when I ask a girl if she's ready for another drink and she stares at her boyfriend until he answers for her
Got in the shower with sunglasses on today. But I know where my car is so I've got that going for me.
"nothing like falling asleep under the table with your pants off. Fucking America!" @_terrona_
Trying not to vomit after every time I walk past this patchouli stinking hippy at my bar. That shit is inexcusable.
And then I stare at her thinking "ANSWER ME YOURSELF YOU STUPID CO-DEPENDENT CUNT!"
I may have just washed my hands with lotion. I need constant supervision.
OMG just *seen some horrible grammar!
*saw
“@elyse3004: OMG just seen a preview of @vinnyguadagnino on #90210 tomorrow ...SO excited!!!”
@_terrona_ ha! It's like you know me or something... Now get back in the kitchen and make me some motherfucking bacon.
An open letter to all of Georgetown- you have 3 weeks to prepare, we are coming. Act accordingly.
If someone went to all the trouble of steeling my identity I would feel really bad for them. Like, sorry your credit score is now 7...
@_terrona_ @colinmarquard @mikeyh35 if your liver doesn't hurt you're doing it wrong.
@_terrona_ "what would it be like to not be awesome?" "idk, ask one of mikeo's ex girlfriends" #itsgonnabealongweek
@_terrona_ "why is it so comfortable to sit like this?" "I don't know, because our natural state is with our legs open?!" #slutscominghome
The black horse and golfing. Or blackface and fucking... Whatever. http://t.co/byWp0gil
Work was so slow tonight that I talked the same drunk asshole into doing a handstand 4 different times.
Is it a rule that you have to be a morbidly obese chick to order a sex on the beach?
Why yes, taco bell lady, a fuckload is TOTALLY a valid unit of measurement.
jagermeister and word vomit
