If Hunter S Thompson was still alive none of this would seem so mundane.

Is it wrong to tell your 7 yr old lying is okay as long as it gets your arch nemesis in trouble?

Not only am I starting with the man in the mirror, I'm going to give him a happy ending

@azilla24 That's amazing, cause I usually describe my climax as they happen to the tune of the mail song

@rzilla24 but at least it has...um...well, at least it was...ugh, it looked good in 3d...no, it didn't. I got nothing, its bad

Ugh. At a family reunion. Oh well, better go around and introduce myself

@jinxink I would but I refuse to admit I did wrong. Ill just blame jar jar like every other fan does

@rzilla24 ...I've been waiting for mine since 9th grade

@rzilla24 if I had a nickel for every "giraffe who farted and had sex" joke...I'd still be poor. Bad example I guess

I'm so tired the thought of having to get up to brush my teeth before bed just made me decide to stay up longer

I hope my liver doesn't wear out until at least a month after @verifieddrunk, then my alcoholic comments may be good enough for trophy

@funnynotfound Bucket list?I wish I had a nickel for everytime I ran naked in the snow, or rain, or parking lot, McDonalds, Tuesday night...

@jinxink People you barely know get so uptight when you can describe their living room, its like whatever you're the 1 with all the windows

@thebestmonkey Brilliant! Start the time line ratings system before each tweet, TL14 for language & violence

@thebestmonkey When are you "poo flinging" again? Keep it up

One of those days where I'm not feeling funny & just want to be mean to everyone. Hey girl who just served me coffee, you're ugly.

Just made a scientific discovery- 5 day old corn flakes in the sink smell better than 3 day old fruity pebbles. Also I dont do dishes enough

@thebestmonkey Thank you for entertaining me on this holiday and everyday for that matter. You are by far the funniest person I follow