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If I eat this two pound sheet of fudge, the most I can gain is two pounds. That’s how it works, right?
[Long German word for the fear that you’re breathing loudly while wearing headphones]
I got to pet a cat today. That’s about it.
I’m drunk enough. Time to do some PHP.
My grandma knows it’s Christmas. 30 seconds with her lucid on the phone is the best gift I could possibly get today.
OH: “He said what brand is your Xbox? I told him it was a Chrysler.”
My kid’s school finally changed their wifi password. Goodbye fast Internet at the playground.
Wherein my daughter gets a standing ovation from the cast for shouting “start the fucking movie” halfway through the previews.
Leyla: “How do you spell giraffe?”
Siri: “The answer is marijuana.”
Babysitter no-call-no-showed. It’s cool, my friend will probably have another birthday next year.
People who should call me at 8am on a Saturday:
Downloading civil rights movement documentaries because L’s school did a piss poor job explaining why she doesn’t have class today.
I need more friends who have nothing to do with:
a) software development,
b) Rocky fucking horror
Coffee and crying
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